The Song of Summer
Some of this will obviously be familiar to you, but ever since I found out that we Bastards have somewhere to be in October, I have felt that the original draft, which is now just the beginning section, was incomplete. I would have liked this to be a surprise, but like the other one, I need the feedback and can't see where the flaws are yet. The whole thing is now separated into 3 parts: "Dead Sister", "The Standing Stone", and "Sister Reborn." This is a long post. P.S. My final goal would be to get this presentable in an illuminated manuscript, actual song/chant, etc. Thanks for any help you can give.
EDIT: Fixed and re-worded some of the things Max helped me notice and some others I did. Keep it coming.
Come now, my brothers, and sing with me
‘Tis a sorrowful story I tell.
We sing of our sister, dead and gone;
In sanguinary battle she fell.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
Of the valour she had 'til the end.
She fought to protect hearth and home,
To her death we now attend.
She stood in the gate with the warband,
Defying the enemy hordes.
Her clan stood there for hours and days,
Kindling; all that's left of her board.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For her bravery has put us to shame.
In size she was always smaller than us,
She was a woman no man could tame.
She stood thrusting under their shields,
As we stabbed and killed from above.
She should have won the day with us,
Now her thread will no longer be wove.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For our tale is now almost done.
Due to the sacrifice made that day,
The foe to our home will not come.
A giant clad in black and gold
Then launched one final attack.
He bellowed and ran straight for her,
Slammed her hard and broke her back.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
We gazed helpless as he took her life.
She can no longer battle with us,
Nor be a warrior's fighting wife.
The Valkyrie of Odin took her,
Lo! How their winged aspects came.
In
But we can give glory to her name.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
That her death may not be in vain.
We will sing of her deeds round fires,
'Til she joins us in battle again.
II. "The Standing Stone"
Mourn her death now, my brothers
Our dear sister has breathed her last.
The warrior-bards chanted her song
That all may remember her past.
We bear her fatal arms of royal gold
On the shields of her brothers-in-war
Her body resides in
Her sudden loss has made us all poor.
Weep with me now, my brothers
Our sister has been laid to rest.
Her armor fills our forefathers' tomb
Against her mettle, women we will test
A standing stone for her sake was made
Proclaiming her great deeds of renown
Runes were etched into its rough hewn side'
From the peak all the way to the ground.
Cry tears of woe, my brothers
For she was the best of us all
Her enchanting voice, songs, and tales
Never again will brighten our hall.
III. "Sister Reborn"
Sing with me now, my brothers
We thought our only sister was dead
The Valkyries came to claim her soul
On that account, we have been misled.
The Vikings came to steal what was ours
With deadly sword, arrow, fire, and stealth
We fought them for hours at the gates
Though we won, we lost with her "death."
Rejoice with me now, my brothers
The Valkyries that took her weren't true
They're women disguised as goddesses
This, the cunning Northmen would do.
A skall, their leader, was there at the fore
He saw our beloved sister fall
In the midst of the chaos and woe
Our foe grabbed her and fled to his hall.
Sing with me now, my brothers
Our sister is living in the North
Now, at the head of a long column
Her fiance and she come forth.
They've returned to celebrate their joy
A clear sign she tamed the wild Northman
She enchanted him with songs and tales
Of blood, death, the fey, and her homeland.
Cry tears of joy, my brothers
Our Caitrin has been returned to us
At this one time, unlike any other,
Over her love and life we can fuss.
Rejoice with me now, my brothers
At her joy, commitment, her new life
Once we had thought she was dead and lost;
She is ardently alive and a wife.
Submitted by Malleus Dei at 8:20 PM
2 Comments:
Check ch check check check ch check it out.
Here's my play-by-play of your poem-by-Globbo. I've been perhaps more... unforgiving than I might have been had you not made it clear that you wanted this to be as good as it possibly could be for such a noble purpose as a wedding gift. So there you are. It should be said, lest you take offense, that I really like what you're doing here, and I write beat poetry about difficult women and their hair.
So... there you go.
1st stanza, last line: I would pick either bloody or hallowed, or try to come up with a word that means both but only takes up the space of one. You kind of stumble over yourself reading it, as the rest of it keeps to meter, pretty much.
3rd stanza: I'd say something more like "Splinters, all that are left of her board." It doesn't echo the "are," and twigs doesn't convey the destruction you're attempting.
4th: For her bravery put us to shame, or bravery's. Also, the last line: Evidently false.
7th:A giant clad? Lose "man" maybe?
9th: I equate visage with face, so that's what I would work with when I tried to make that line a little more economical. It's a bit awkward.
10th: I really, really like this one.
14th: "To proclaim her deeds of great renown" is another tricky one. Not too long, not off-meter, but tricky in its execution. Maybe just try re-working that one.
21st: Oh man. I don't know which I love more. I really like the last line in this stanza but, more importantly I think, I LOVE that you rhymed Northman with Homeland. That's a great, great rhyme. On the real real.
Last Line: You have a chance here to really drive home an ongoing theme there seems to be throughout the poem where you'd hammer in a sentiment one word at a time, such as in my favorite line stated above, and each blow brings the picture into a more vivid picture. So, here, where you're using "alive" and "a wife" once more word that's "a-something" would really make that last line ring. "Askance. Alack. Attack." None of those. But something like that.
Anyway, nice little epic you have going here. As I said, I have much appreciation for it, and I think it's great that you've expanded it so naturally. You're telling the story that the bards would have told. Groovy.
Max-
Thanks for the help. I have placed an edited version of it up in the old's place now. Also, about stanza 4, it could be argued, especially from what I wrote, that she tamed him, not the other way around. Anywho, thanks for the help, and I would like to hear more of what people think.
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