Sing With Me, My Brothers
I've been wanting to write something about war for a the past week, but couldn't think of anything that wasn't forced and faked in a way. Jake and I were driving to Potrero and talking about how the imagination can create hidden tombs and wonders in ordinary hills. That is when this came to me. The subject matter is also about another Potrero, and so it seemed fitting. It is a rough, rough draft, but I would still like everyone's input on it anyways.
Come now, my brothers, and sing with me
It is a sad story I tell.
We sing of our sister who is dead and gone;
In bloody, hallowed battle she fell.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
Of the valour she had 'til the end.
She fought to protect her hearth and home,
To her death we now still attend.
She stood in the gate with the warband,
Defying the enemy hordes.
They broke against her clan for hours and days,
'Til she had to discard what was left of her board.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For her bravery has put us to shame.
In size she was always quite smaller than us,
Yet she was a woman no man in battle could tame.
She stood with us thrusting under their shields,
As we stabbed and killed from above.
She should have lasted the days with us,
Her life-thread no longer would be wove.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For our tale is not quite done.
Due to the sacrifice she and others made that day,
The enemy to our home will not come.
A giant of a man in black and gold,
Charged our lines in a desperate attack.
He ignored all of us and went straight for her,
Slammed her into a wall and broke her back.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
We were not quick enough to save her life.
She can no longer come to battle with us,
Nor be a warrior's fightin' wife.
The battle-maidens of Odin they took her,
We saw their winged visage as they came.
'Til Valhalla we'll ne'er meet her again,
But we still can give glory to her name.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
That her death may not be in vain.
We will sing of her deeds round fires,
'Til she joins us in battle again.
We miss you Catrin.
Come now, my brothers, and sing with me
It is a sad story I tell.
We sing of our sister who is dead and gone;
In bloody, hallowed battle she fell.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
Of the valour she had 'til the end.
She fought to protect her hearth and home,
To her death we now still attend.
She stood in the gate with the warband,
Defying the enemy hordes.
They broke against her clan for hours and days,
'Til she had to discard what was left of her board.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For her bravery has put us to shame.
In size she was always quite smaller than us,
Yet she was a woman no man in battle could tame.
She stood with us thrusting under their shields,
As we stabbed and killed from above.
She should have lasted the days with us,
Her life-thread no longer would be wove.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For our tale is not quite done.
Due to the sacrifice she and others made that day,
The enemy to our home will not come.
A giant of a man in black and gold,
Charged our lines in a desperate attack.
He ignored all of us and went straight for her,
Slammed her into a wall and broke her back.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
We were not quick enough to save her life.
She can no longer come to battle with us,
Nor be a warrior's fightin' wife.
The battle-maidens of Odin they took her,
We saw their winged visage as they came.
'Til Valhalla we'll ne'er meet her again,
But we still can give glory to her name.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
That her death may not be in vain.
We will sing of her deeds round fires,
'Til she joins us in battle again.
We miss you Catrin.
Submitted by Malleus Dei at 10:14 AM
8 Comments:
Again, this is a really nice poem, Rob. I guess from my personal situation with my wayward sister, I'm a bit biased, but I still think it's very sweet. Summer has often criticized me for my rigid adherence to meter, but in the interest of constructive criticism, were it mine to write, I would go over the lines that don't match up in terms of rhythm and restructure them so they flow more syllabically (... not.. a word... I don't think). As far as content, what could any one man say?
I do plan on doing that a bit more as well, but wanted to get the rough draft out there. I am too close to this piece still, having written it two days ago to be completely un-biased when I read it alone. I need some help seeing things that I may not, and know that you guys will help me improve it, and consequently my craft, too.
Aw, man...
I guess I'm biased, too, but you have no idea how moving and inspiring this is for me, even in the rough form it's in now.
I actually agree with Max that it could use some work on the rhythm and meter. You've got so much to work with here in terms of a good storytelling tone and a powerful, rhythmic refrain--the "sing with me now, my brothers" is VERY effective--and I'm excited (for selfish as well as purely artistic reasons) to see how this will unfold. I think as you distance yourself from it, you'll be able to work out some of the hitches in the flow of the words.
But, damn, man. What it comes down to is that I don't really know what to say. I do hope you'll work on this, and maybe we can find some way to incorporate some of these works into a sort of continuing saga/living history project. As a matter of fact, this ties in well with a piece I wrote several months ago, and which I will be posting in a moment for everyone's critique and viewing pleasure. Since, for all my brothers know, I AM dead... and... well, you'll see.
Thank you.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sorry, I wish comments had an edit function since my keyboard is losing it's sensitivity. The result is that often times keys I hit, don't actually show up.
As the original post mentioned, I am already beginning to see how I can begin to change it, and hopefully that will improve it as well. I will let you guys know when I have the next draft.
I was really surprised and delighted when you first handed this to me, Rob, and I can't wait to see it in its final form. Looking at your other poems, I have little doubt you can really make this shine. The "Sing With Me Now" is so stirring, I'm seriously thinking of contributing my own sequel in the same format if you don't mind, and maybe it would be cool for Magnus to do the same. Sort of like Boromir's buriel song. And I still want it to have music, so we can sing it with mead (and cream soda) in our fists. We owe her that. She was a brave and a dear sister, even if she was Legitimate.
Yes. I will do this thing you ask of me, for it is just and right.
I was not present for the death of my sister, but I will honor her as best I know how.
Works for me. I should have an updated version the end of the day/week depending on how other things go.
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