Sing With Me Now, My Brothers
Come now, my brothers, and sing with me
‘Tis a sorrowful story I tell.
We sing of our sister, dead and gone;
In bloody, hallowed battle she fell.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
Of the valour she had 'til the end.
She fought to protect hearth and home,
To her death we now still attend.
She stood in the gate with the warband,
Defying the enemy hordes.
Her clan stood there for hours and days,
Twigs are all that are left of her board.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For her bravery has put us to shame.
In size she was always smaller than us,
She was a woman no man could tame.
She stood thrusting under their shields,
As we stabbed and killed ‘em from above.
She should have won the day with us,
Now her thread will no longer be wove.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
For our tale is now almost done.
Due to the sacrifice made that day,
The foe to our home will not come.
A giant man clad in black and gold
Then launched one final attack.
He bellowed and ran straight for her,
Slammed her hard and broke her back.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
We gazed helpless as he took her life.
She can no longer battle with us,
Nor be a warrior's fightin' wife.
The Valkyrie of Odin took her,
We saw their winged visage as they came.
In
But we can give glory to her name.
Sing with me now, my brothers,
That her death may not be in vain.
We will sing of her deeds round fires,
'Til she joins us in battle again.
Submitted by Malleus Dei at 9:37 PM
4 Comments:
This is actually a huge improvement, metrically, over the first draft. Yes, it can still use polishing in places, but you're well on your way to ironing out the hiccups (we at A Terrible Sound excel at mixing metaphors!)
And I am still giddy as a schoolgirl to have something so awesome written about me. I mean, *cough,* honored. Honored, like a big tough warrior woman.
Big improvement. I have to say I'm impressed that the process continues as it does with you. When I write poetry, I labor over a line until I'm completely happy with it, until it meets all my criteria, but you got everything down and then, later, went back and completely revised it. Tremendous progress, really! I still have trouble with the line "To her death we now still attend." I would pick one or the other. "Now still" comes out a mite awkward.
Keep on plugging away at those chicken eggs, and the farmer's daughter will be in the bush before sundown.
I can see your point, but I kind of like the effect, because the now seems to bring up the immediacy of the attendance on what happened, whereas still emphasizes the ongoing nature of our mourning for our lost sister as well. I am recalling at the same time one moment with an ongoing impact, which is why I kind of like it the way it is. If I need to explain more, be warned, because I may jump ito Koine Greek verb tenses and why the word choice makes sense to me. :)
As I continue to revise this though, I will keep that in mind, since I am trying to constantly improve this until I am completely satisfied with it. I know it can still get better. Thanks for the input guys.
LOL...iron out the hiccups....ah, Summer...thats HOT.
Much improvement, Globbo. Still some words here and there that could be struck to make it flow better. I could give you recommendations line by line, but I'd rather do that in person. The one I'll bring up, since it is the only line directly involving myself, is "As we stabbed and killed from above" the unneeded "'em" is all that needed to be plucked, otherwise a worthy description of our ample violence.
I still love this song, and I don't know why I never thought to write this kind of thing. I'll have to start work on my own.
Way to inspire my writing and Summer's battle-fury. She's determined to take arms with us at Estrella.
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