Freya's Blade (1) revision
I wasn't originally going to post this, but Max said it would be interesting to see the changes. What follows are the two scenes of Arod and his brother (I have changed his name to Magus) debating what they will do. I have flushed out their dialogue and included bits and pieces of things to come, both to help explain, and to raise new questions that will hopefully draw the reader in more. Please be honest on how well the changes work.
I have omitted Elwynn's scene from the post because I've only made a few minor changes. Also, if anyone cares to comment on this thought, I am constantly debating starting the novel with Elwynn and Forn's opening scene, and then moving on to the brothers. I seem to be too close to make a clear decision on this, so your thoughts would be appreciated. Thankyou! I love you! check your old posts, I have added comments. Sorry I haven't been around in awhile, but I will probably start flooding the site now. =D
FREYA'S BLADE
Chapter 1
Moonlit shrouds of grey mist met in tryst about the hill of Taleth Mon, driven up from the forest at its feet by the mournful winds. The moon outlined the dark hulk of the hill in silver-green, showing how tall it reared above the trees, the promontory of crumbling stone erupting from its brow brooding silent over the darkened lands.
Deep in the halls beneath Taleth Mon, one great light burned. Not the greasy pale yellow of a man’s lamp, nor the warm blue flames of a fay-light, but a light common to them both, the deep-hearted shadow-reds of the furnace and the forge. It burned in a chamber far under the dark earth of the hill, and the smokes of its fire worked their way through many cunning crevices to meld with the mists swirling above it.
A hulking shadow came near enough to the forge-fire that the hard edges of his massive muscles and curling black beard where highlighted in orange. Large iron prongs thrust into the devouring heat, locked down on a stave of steel, and slid it slowly forth. The burning red blade added its light to the utter darkness of the underground forge, and as the hulking form of the smith laid it on his anvil and began to hammer it with heavy ringing strokes, showers of sparks lit his face in brilliant and wavering flashes. It was an ageless face, hard curves and tough skin, and eyes blazing like orange coals under thick brows heavy and clenched with anger or worry.
The smith’s eyes rose to meet a second form barely visible in the darkness before him, then after a flash of anger, returned their focus to the pounding of the heavy hammer.
The form in the shadows spoke with a low rumble.
“Open your mind to me, brother.”
The smith pounded one more stroke, then held his hammer, heaving a weighty sigh at his work.
His eyes would not meet his brother’s.
“Arod,” the smith’s voice was deep and soft and grinding, “you agreed you were not to bother me at the forge. My work…”
“You are at the forge merely to avoid my council, Magus. You have been at the forge for days, but you cannot hide from all the world forever with your smithwork.”
The smith, dropped his hammer to the anvil. “Damn your arrogance, Arod.”
“Damn your foolishness, Magus. We had agreed to lay low. If you had not angered the Mori-tan we should not need to fight them.”
“I did only what was right. If we are not going to protect the People, the least we can do is give them weapons to protect themselves.”
“It was you that chose to hide and leave the People to their own devices. And now you give them weapons. It is as much as declaring war.”
“I did not think the Mori-tan would know my weapons.”
“You did not think.” Arod stepped fully into the red light. He was the elder, a head taller, thick with war-knotted muscles, and in his coal-red eyes burned a fierce immediate intelligence. “Fay weapons do not just appear in the hands of mortals, and the Princes of Mori-tan are no fools. They know the work of Magus the Smith. And now they have a reason to hunt him down.”
Magus’ eyes were deep and soft. His mind was creative and thorough. His hands were clever and subtle. “We do not have to fight them. Gold and gems we have in plenty, and I will pay enough for our lives, for death alone awaits those who fight the Mori-tan.”
“You are a fool, Magus. Their lust will not be sated with gold and gems alone. Have your eyes not read their hearts? Since first they appeared, declaring the deaths of the Old Gods, I knew their minds. They desire all the world. If once we paid, they would demand more, and more again, until you have given all the works of your heart, and made yourself a slave unto them. And doubtless now Rorak has told them that we have Freya’s Blade, and tempted their twisted lusts with tales of Elwynn’s beauty. They will demand our beloved sister. Would you give her to them? What worth will our lives be then? As cowards accursed we shall be. We must deny their claim now, and fight for our own.”
Magus’s fists ground into the gleaming surface of his anvil. He glared at them and his shoulders trembled. With sudden violence his left hand lashed out and the forge-fire erupted, bathing the room in orange flame. The recesses of the chamber about them glittered silver in shapes of swords and spears.
Magus the Smith’s eyes rose to meet his brother, as the forge-fire died once more.
“You would have us fight openly against all the powers of the Mori-tan? Their shadows stretch across the land. Even the Heroes of the People tremble.”
“There is no choice, Magus. Who else will ever fight them? The People? They waste their mortal lives in vain. They cry out to the Old Gods, but since the Gods have fallen silent, we must answer at last. We are Fay, even as the Mori-tan, equal in power, though they are many and we are two. Whose work but yours can match their weapons? We must fight them now, or fight them when they come to demand Elwynn. Then they will come strong, armed with weapons of power from your own forge, given in fear. They will come long prepared, expecting battle. If we attack them now, they will be at unawares, and we may kill a few before they can gather in strength. I fear them, Magus, and Helmar the most, but Freya’s Blade has powers we have never seen. That may yet bring us to victory. I will not give freely of the labors of my brother, nor the life of my sister, both of whom I love. My gifts from the gods were not your great gifts of song and smithcraft, nor Elwynn’s gifts of life and healing. My gifts were but of strength and cunning, and I have used them ever to defend you whom I love. I will gladly wager my life for yours, and if I lose it, it will not be before five of those dark princes fall.”
Magus’s eyes hardened with the stone of truth. They fell to the blade he had been hammering, and seeing that it was now too cool to work, he lifted it, and turning his back on his brother, thrust it deep into the heat of the forge.
Another heavy sigh winded through the curls of the beard about his lips.
“Arod, you speak ever lowly of your warlike gifts, but your wisdom surpasses mine. The time indeed has come to stand, and you will not stand alone. My strengths are not in war, but two will last longer than one. And you with Freya’s Blade may yet see us through. For Elwynn’s sake, I will fight.”
Arod’s eyes shone in the darkness. “Then come, my brother, we have much to do.”
* * * * *
In the pitch blankness of the under-earth, where only their eyes shone like pale coals, Arod and Magus held constant debate as they clad themselves in the shining and powerful armor made of Magus’s master smithcraft.
Arod’s voice boomed like a falling mountain. “I can stand alone against them if need be. Many a war I have fought with naught but spear and sword and bow. And these works of yours are more powerful than anything I have ever used.”
Magus’s voice was lower, softer, but rich and wide and rolling. “Freya’s Blade is our only chance, brother. You are the warrior. You must be the one to wield it.”
“But I have tried. I cannot unlock its power.”
“Think back to when we first won Freya’s Blade from that fool Aeisir, Rorak. When he tried to steal her and you alone protected her. All your swordwork would not damage his flesh while he held it. We know that much. No weapon may bite one that holds Freya’s Blade.”
“Where did he find it, I wonder still.”
“As do I. But he did not know what it was. I alone could see the Mark of the Goddess. It was well I was there Arod. You would never have recognized the spirits that flowed from the hilt to his hands, binding and protecting his flesh.”
Arod’s eyes lit his cheeks and the tips of his beard with a feral light. “Aye, brother. Were it not for your wisdom, I would never have known to wrestle it from his hands. And how that lusting cur fell to bloody shreds once Freya’s Blade could no longer protect him. So deserve all who wish to harm my sister. But Magus, you prove me right again. Who better to wield Freya’s Blade than the Master Smith who can read its secrets? Remember how Rorak made it burn? It tore through my armor as a thunderbolt through ice. All Elwynn’s power could hardly cure my pains. But the fool could not sustain that fire. He did not understand it. You have vast knowledge of such weapons. If once you could unlock that fire, even the Mori-tan could not stand against us.”
Magus stared at the ornate helmet in his hands. “Brother, I am afraid of what will happen if I fail.”
Arod rested a mighty hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Magus, your mind is deep and clever. You have the gifts of intuition and imagination. If either of us can unlock the powers of Freya’s Blade, it will be you. If you fail, I will fight as I always fight, and at least you may fight beside me undying.”
“Who will defend Elwynn if we fall?”
“Our chance to defend her is now. If we cannot defeat them now, we will never defeat them. They grow in strength everyday. Their slaves increase, and ever they find or seize new weapons of power. The People cry out to Freya. But since she seems to hear our prayers no more, we will bear her power for her.”
Magus’s voice grated on the stone. “Gods! All ye old gods, why have you abandoned us? Donn, Lugh, Freya, Ainu, Manon! Where are your powers now?”
* * * * *
Elwynn stood trembling, tears flooding silken cheeks, pleas racing through her mind, almost daring to rush in and beg them not to go. But she knew they would never listen to her. They never listened. They always knew what was best.
She could not let them go. They had succumbed to some bloodlust, that was clear, and they purposed to use Freya’s Blade in some desperate fight.
And Magus was terrified. She could feel his white shivers through the stone walls. He was afraid to face…
Her thought ran suddenly into a void. Fear shook her. She could not bring herself to remember the names of those they meant to fight.
Her tears came faster now.
She had loved Forn, but no longer knew how to think of him. He was other than she had led herself to believe. She had lost one dream today, and sought her brothers for comfort.
And now her brothers would leave her to fight, and they would die.
Unless…
Her tears turned suddenly cold, and she glided silent through the nighted halls under their ancient hill.
Her brothers would fight no battle this day.
I have omitted Elwynn's scene from the post because I've only made a few minor changes. Also, if anyone cares to comment on this thought, I am constantly debating starting the novel with Elwynn and Forn's opening scene, and then moving on to the brothers. I seem to be too close to make a clear decision on this, so your thoughts would be appreciated. Thankyou! I love you! check your old posts, I have added comments. Sorry I haven't been around in awhile, but I will probably start flooding the site now. =D
FREYA'S BLADE
Chapter 1
Moonlit shrouds of grey mist met in tryst about the hill of Taleth Mon, driven up from the forest at its feet by the mournful winds. The moon outlined the dark hulk of the hill in silver-green, showing how tall it reared above the trees, the promontory of crumbling stone erupting from its brow brooding silent over the darkened lands.
Deep in the halls beneath Taleth Mon, one great light burned. Not the greasy pale yellow of a man’s lamp, nor the warm blue flames of a fay-light, but a light common to them both, the deep-hearted shadow-reds of the furnace and the forge. It burned in a chamber far under the dark earth of the hill, and the smokes of its fire worked their way through many cunning crevices to meld with the mists swirling above it.
A hulking shadow came near enough to the forge-fire that the hard edges of his massive muscles and curling black beard where highlighted in orange. Large iron prongs thrust into the devouring heat, locked down on a stave of steel, and slid it slowly forth. The burning red blade added its light to the utter darkness of the underground forge, and as the hulking form of the smith laid it on his anvil and began to hammer it with heavy ringing strokes, showers of sparks lit his face in brilliant and wavering flashes. It was an ageless face, hard curves and tough skin, and eyes blazing like orange coals under thick brows heavy and clenched with anger or worry.
The smith’s eyes rose to meet a second form barely visible in the darkness before him, then after a flash of anger, returned their focus to the pounding of the heavy hammer.
The form in the shadows spoke with a low rumble.
“Open your mind to me, brother.”
The smith pounded one more stroke, then held his hammer, heaving a weighty sigh at his work.
His eyes would not meet his brother’s.
“Arod,” the smith’s voice was deep and soft and grinding, “you agreed you were not to bother me at the forge. My work…”
“You are at the forge merely to avoid my council, Magus. You have been at the forge for days, but you cannot hide from all the world forever with your smithwork.”
The smith, dropped his hammer to the anvil. “Damn your arrogance, Arod.”
“Damn your foolishness, Magus. We had agreed to lay low. If you had not angered the Mori-tan we should not need to fight them.”
“I did only what was right. If we are not going to protect the People, the least we can do is give them weapons to protect themselves.”
“It was you that chose to hide and leave the People to their own devices. And now you give them weapons. It is as much as declaring war.”
“I did not think the Mori-tan would know my weapons.”
“You did not think.” Arod stepped fully into the red light. He was the elder, a head taller, thick with war-knotted muscles, and in his coal-red eyes burned a fierce immediate intelligence. “Fay weapons do not just appear in the hands of mortals, and the Princes of Mori-tan are no fools. They know the work of Magus the Smith. And now they have a reason to hunt him down.”
Magus’ eyes were deep and soft. His mind was creative and thorough. His hands were clever and subtle. “We do not have to fight them. Gold and gems we have in plenty, and I will pay enough for our lives, for death alone awaits those who fight the Mori-tan.”
“You are a fool, Magus. Their lust will not be sated with gold and gems alone. Have your eyes not read their hearts? Since first they appeared, declaring the deaths of the Old Gods, I knew their minds. They desire all the world. If once we paid, they would demand more, and more again, until you have given all the works of your heart, and made yourself a slave unto them. And doubtless now Rorak has told them that we have Freya’s Blade, and tempted their twisted lusts with tales of Elwynn’s beauty. They will demand our beloved sister. Would you give her to them? What worth will our lives be then? As cowards accursed we shall be. We must deny their claim now, and fight for our own.”
Magus’s fists ground into the gleaming surface of his anvil. He glared at them and his shoulders trembled. With sudden violence his left hand lashed out and the forge-fire erupted, bathing the room in orange flame. The recesses of the chamber about them glittered silver in shapes of swords and spears.
Magus the Smith’s eyes rose to meet his brother, as the forge-fire died once more.
“You would have us fight openly against all the powers of the Mori-tan? Their shadows stretch across the land. Even the Heroes of the People tremble.”
“There is no choice, Magus. Who else will ever fight them? The People? They waste their mortal lives in vain. They cry out to the Old Gods, but since the Gods have fallen silent, we must answer at last. We are Fay, even as the Mori-tan, equal in power, though they are many and we are two. Whose work but yours can match their weapons? We must fight them now, or fight them when they come to demand Elwynn. Then they will come strong, armed with weapons of power from your own forge, given in fear. They will come long prepared, expecting battle. If we attack them now, they will be at unawares, and we may kill a few before they can gather in strength. I fear them, Magus, and Helmar the most, but Freya’s Blade has powers we have never seen. That may yet bring us to victory. I will not give freely of the labors of my brother, nor the life of my sister, both of whom I love. My gifts from the gods were not your great gifts of song and smithcraft, nor Elwynn’s gifts of life and healing. My gifts were but of strength and cunning, and I have used them ever to defend you whom I love. I will gladly wager my life for yours, and if I lose it, it will not be before five of those dark princes fall.”
Magus’s eyes hardened with the stone of truth. They fell to the blade he had been hammering, and seeing that it was now too cool to work, he lifted it, and turning his back on his brother, thrust it deep into the heat of the forge.
Another heavy sigh winded through the curls of the beard about his lips.
“Arod, you speak ever lowly of your warlike gifts, but your wisdom surpasses mine. The time indeed has come to stand, and you will not stand alone. My strengths are not in war, but two will last longer than one. And you with Freya’s Blade may yet see us through. For Elwynn’s sake, I will fight.”
Arod’s eyes shone in the darkness. “Then come, my brother, we have much to do.”
* * * * *
In the pitch blankness of the under-earth, where only their eyes shone like pale coals, Arod and Magus held constant debate as they clad themselves in the shining and powerful armor made of Magus’s master smithcraft.
Arod’s voice boomed like a falling mountain. “I can stand alone against them if need be. Many a war I have fought with naught but spear and sword and bow. And these works of yours are more powerful than anything I have ever used.”
Magus’s voice was lower, softer, but rich and wide and rolling. “Freya’s Blade is our only chance, brother. You are the warrior. You must be the one to wield it.”
“But I have tried. I cannot unlock its power.”
“Think back to when we first won Freya’s Blade from that fool Aeisir, Rorak. When he tried to steal her and you alone protected her. All your swordwork would not damage his flesh while he held it. We know that much. No weapon may bite one that holds Freya’s Blade.”
“Where did he find it, I wonder still.”
“As do I. But he did not know what it was. I alone could see the Mark of the Goddess. It was well I was there Arod. You would never have recognized the spirits that flowed from the hilt to his hands, binding and protecting his flesh.”
Arod’s eyes lit his cheeks and the tips of his beard with a feral light. “Aye, brother. Were it not for your wisdom, I would never have known to wrestle it from his hands. And how that lusting cur fell to bloody shreds once Freya’s Blade could no longer protect him. So deserve all who wish to harm my sister. But Magus, you prove me right again. Who better to wield Freya’s Blade than the Master Smith who can read its secrets? Remember how Rorak made it burn? It tore through my armor as a thunderbolt through ice. All Elwynn’s power could hardly cure my pains. But the fool could not sustain that fire. He did not understand it. You have vast knowledge of such weapons. If once you could unlock that fire, even the Mori-tan could not stand against us.”
Magus stared at the ornate helmet in his hands. “Brother, I am afraid of what will happen if I fail.”
Arod rested a mighty hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Magus, your mind is deep and clever. You have the gifts of intuition and imagination. If either of us can unlock the powers of Freya’s Blade, it will be you. If you fail, I will fight as I always fight, and at least you may fight beside me undying.”
“Who will defend Elwynn if we fall?”
“Our chance to defend her is now. If we cannot defeat them now, we will never defeat them. They grow in strength everyday. Their slaves increase, and ever they find or seize new weapons of power. The People cry out to Freya. But since she seems to hear our prayers no more, we will bear her power for her.”
Magus’s voice grated on the stone. “Gods! All ye old gods, why have you abandoned us? Donn, Lugh, Freya, Ainu, Manon! Where are your powers now?”
* * * * *
Elwynn stood trembling, tears flooding silken cheeks, pleas racing through her mind, almost daring to rush in and beg them not to go. But she knew they would never listen to her. They never listened. They always knew what was best.
She could not let them go. They had succumbed to some bloodlust, that was clear, and they purposed to use Freya’s Blade in some desperate fight.
And Magus was terrified. She could feel his white shivers through the stone walls. He was afraid to face…
Her thought ran suddenly into a void. Fear shook her. She could not bring herself to remember the names of those they meant to fight.
Her tears came faster now.
She had loved Forn, but no longer knew how to think of him. He was other than she had led herself to believe. She had lost one dream today, and sought her brothers for comfort.
And now her brothers would leave her to fight, and they would die.
Unless…
Her tears turned suddenly cold, and she glided silent through the nighted halls under their ancient hill.
Her brothers would fight no battle this day.
Submitted by MythWind at 7:17 PM
2 Comments:
Jake,
Thanks for re-posting this! I'm glad you've said alot more about the sword itself- the curiosity of the brothers about its powers and that fact that they don't know exactly how it came to Rorak - you've created more mystery and interest in the namesake of the story, which is awesome - that was really lacking in the 1st version. That was the change that stood out most to me. Well done!
The silence of the old gods adds more drama, and shows a greater level of desperation and also heroism on the part of the brothers. It also adds intrigue - what's going on with the gods? Why the withdrawal?
Overall, the changes you've made make the reader more likely to want to keep reading.
The bit at the end that mentions Ellwyn's encounter with Forn is confusing if we haven't met him previously. Do you have to mention him in CH 1? I would say either add a tiny bit more about him, or take him out of ch 1.
As far as which characters should be introduced first, i'm not sure - I like your opening with the brothers, i think because it allows you to approach the main action and plotline of the story in a more straight forward manner than when you began w/ Ellwyn. Can you tell me who plays more of a main role in your mind? Ellwyn, the brothers, Forn?
See... now we're talking.
I like this version much better, Jake. To some extent, I try not to over-analyze my reactions to these pieces unless things really stand out to me, and as I already did so much of the logicking my way through my problems with it in the previous post, it seems only appropriate that this time I simply say that I think it's a large improvement. Again, I don't know how much my opinion matters in this particular case, but I really did like this post much more than the last. And I'm glad you decided to put it up after all.
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